Being this pregnant sucks. I really have had a wonderful Holy Grail of pregnancies compared to a lot of women I know, so I almost feel like I have no right to complain. The utter lack of morning sickness (except for the occasional nausea in the 1st trimester) alone should be enough to keep me from ever uttering a negative word about pregnancy being rough. But since complaining seems to be a right of passage amongst pregnant women, who am I to deny that to myself?! So here I go: I feel like a circus freak with how big my belly is. I KNOW I'M NOT THAT BIG compared to other people. I know I'm lucky enough to be almost "all belly." I know there are many, many women who grow much bigger and rounder and wider than I am today. But...I feel like a circus freak. Me. In my own skin...not comfy. There's so much belly. I don't waddle, and I don't have that "carrying a bowling ball with my Keigel muscles" feeling yet, but comfortable I am NOT. It's hard to get around and do simple things. Tying shoelace sneakers is a problem. I forgot what it was like to be able to put on pants while standing up. Bending over to pick something up off the ground, or standing up after I've been stupid enough to sit on the floor, is rough. And Gaby has to physically push me from behind so that I can get out of bed or out of a deep sofa.
I am tired...a lot. Physically tired and sleepy tired. The sleepy tired isn't quite as bad as it was in the 1st tri where I couldn't keep my eyes open if I hadn't had a nap in the last 4 or 5 hours, but I still feel exhausted all the time. And physically, my body just can't handle a lot of activity. Walking the mall for more than 45 minutes is enough to put me out of commission for the rest of the day.
Besides the physical discomfort and the tiredness, BACK PAIN and HEART BURN are my nemeses. My upper back seriously feels like it's going to snap in half (due in part, I'm sure, to the 34Gs I'm hauling around in my bra), and my lower back is just constantly sore. I'm a chiropractor's wet dream. The heart burn is ridiculous at this point, but honestly, nothing new. It's something I suffered from even pre-pregnancy...pregnancy just took me from the welterweight to the heavyweight division.
I am ready to have my body back. I realize that's kind of ironic considering how adamant I am about wanting to breastfeed, preferably for a year if I can. I know that doing so will make a huge physical demand on me, and that my body will never really be mine again until I wean her. But still...as demanding as I know breast feeding can be, the thought of being un-pregnant is thrilling right now. I can't wait to have my center of gravity back. I can't wait to be able to see my toes again...hell, I can't wait to see my freaking crotch again. I haven't been able to look down and see whether I'm due for a bikini wax in several months. Thank God for mirrors and Gaby to keep me in check, thus avoiding the "Georgina" of the Jungle effect.
I have SO much I want to share and I really hope I find the time and energy to do so in the next few weeks before her birth. We have all our fabulous baby gear ready to go, and her nursery, which has been a work in progress for several months, is finally almost done, down to the last little detail. She has an AMAZING wardrobe that I can't wait to put her in. I had a FABULOUS baby shower and FABULOUS maternity pictures taken, which I will be sharing as soon as my FABULOUS photographer gets me my proofs. Our family and friends have been beyond generous in helping us prepare for Emma's arrival, and I just feel so blessed...blessed to have this life and everyone in it, and blessed to be lucky enough to have this little girl on her way, ready to make me a mommy.
I went in for my 36 week appointment last week and although I haven't started dilating, my cervix is soft, low, and short, and Emma is in perfect position, with her head way down low pushing on said cervix. I go in this Wednesday for a growth ultrasound to check her size and my amniotic fluid levels, and then straight to the ob's office for another internal check (internals are done every week in the final month). I'm hoping for a little bit of dilation, even though I know it means nothing. Some women don't dilate at all until the last minute and then manage to go from 0 to 10 in 24 hours or less, whereas other women dilate centimeter by centimeter in the weeks leading up to birth only to stall out when real labor kicks in. But still...even knowing that, hearing that you are actually progressing is a good feeling :)
I'm not going to keep apologizing for my lack of posting or promise that I will be posting more often, because honestly, how many times have I done that and not followed through? So like I said...I have a lot to share and I really hope to do so in the next few weeks. I hope that those of you who follow will keep checking in with me from time to time and not write me off completely (if you haven't done so already!).
Some pictures to leave you with:
Emma Alexis at 27 weeks gestation - being shy and burying her face into me and covering it with her fist